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Aardvark Aardvark Political Party - ELECTION BLOG
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April 29th
A week to go, things are hotting up
Terrible run in today with the BNP [Blyth Newsham Party] when we clashed on the Eurostar Link. Theres just no point in extending the railway all the way to Newsham and not going two miles further up to Bebside International. They wont have it though, they want the border checks to happen inbetween the Newsham Hotel and the Co-op, with the car park at the golf club used as a holding pen and asylum village. The pro shop could be a soup kitchen.
That fathers-for-justice magpie at Anfield tonight doesnt seem to have gone down too well has it? Mark Aardvark once slept on a climbing frame at Ridley Park in his superman underpants but that was more to do with the scrumpy we'd had delivered that afternoon than fighting for a cause.
Must dash - its debate time. Side Club v Cons. Snooker later.
April 28th
Mark Aardvark releases a statement apologising for his slight faux pas whilst out in the community this afternoon.
When appraoched by a woman who asked about Aardvark policies, and she stated she'd been an Aardvark supporter her whole life, she unfortunately brought up immigration with Mr Aardvark.
Mark didnt realise that his karaoke mic would still work in the taxi so when he called her a "vicious old ratbag with snakes for tits" it was clearly taken out of context.
Mr Aardvark would like to reaffirm his commitment to large old women in and around Blyth and feels his success in this area more than makes up for his slight error today.
Mark has been round to her house this afternoon to offer her an apology. The curtains were closed as he didnt want the worlds media watching while he gave her one.
To be honest though, Mark is hoping that the Prime Ministers gaffe today will take up most of the news. We'd like to give you all an insight into party politics within the Aardvark party when things dont go so well. In the interests of open politics ....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99CZHHgAOy8
With thanks to BBC's The Thick of It .......................
April 22nd - EARLY
News just in
New party video to go with the Aardvark song
Superb
Flint & Steel video
10am - we have been pointed to the Dizzie Rascal interview on Newsnight. Something tells me by the glint in Mr Rascal's eye that he may have been taking the piss, just a little bit.
Paxman - "Do you believe in political parties in Britain?"
Rascal - "Yeah they exist, I believe in them"
Quality - Innit?
We'll be on the Blyth Valley borders today at, er, Bedlington Golf Club [not a freebie or on expenses] and possibly may do a bit of 'canvassing' in the pub later
April 21st
back on the blogging trail ....
We noticed that the Lib Dems are doing quite well and that bodes well for the aardvarks, hoping that some people will get the yellows confused.
Breaking news today is that we have a celebrity who wishes to declare their support for Aardvark Aardvark. The Tories have got Michael Caine and labour have the Gallagher brothers but we've got Stuart Patrick, who was once an extra in 'Wire In The Blood'
Stuart says "I'm right behind the aardvark policies, they're much better than the Green party's, but don't tell Robson!"
Yes Stuart, we'll do the bloody jokes eh?
A new policy we are considering is newspapers and websites that have deliberately misleading headlines. This one, for instance, had us checking the Sky channels to see what was up with this weekends test Match, even though we didnt know there was a test match scheduled ..
clickledy-doo
we also saw the would be chancellors on The Daily Politics and they each accuse the other of not knowing how or where they will pay for anything. So childish. Its reminded us of an old sketch from Newman and Baddiel "you see that dogs number two on the path? That's the highest you can count to, and its only because your mum still wipes your number two's"
Newman and Baddiel
More on the live debates soon, hopefully we will make the Sky version tomorrow night. If there's one thing we're good at, its mass debates .....
April 18th
After yesterdays exertions the Aardvarks are taking a planned rest day today. Nothing to do with religion, everything to do with hangovers.
April 17th
10am - Looks like the Blyth Spartans v Fleetwood Town match today at 3pm has beaten the ash clouds. Support your local team. Aardvark hopes to be represented at the match in some way or other.
Also, the current Prime Minister has finally realised he has a battle on in the North East. Seems he is targetting Wideopen, just outside the Blyth Valley boundaries. Hopefully he'll migrate towards the coast later today and Labour and Aardvark can lock horns
Brown in Wideopen - click here
Bit of an interesting afternoon. If QPR and Charlton had scored it would have raised the party funds quite considerably. Never mind
A mazy evening of political planning, culminating in a hell of a trip on the last 441.
Blimey
April 16th
9am - To be honest, I thought we came across very well on last nights televised live debate. Obviously we didnt get an invite, us being a local independent and as yet un-launched party, but we made a pretty good hash of things at the Prince. The PA system was set to maximum volume so we could deliver the aardvark message to an expectant audience.
Hooking up the karaoke machine was a wonderful idea and everything was going well, so we thought, until that slightly raucous hen party came in at quarter-to-nine. The drunken rendition of 'Loveshack' was a personal highlight for me, although it sort of impinged on our response to the question about education.
We heard Nick Clegg referring to the College of Crime and some wit in our audience shouted 'he must mean Ashington'. We would like to point out we do not condone this type of local stereotyping.
Also - we won the meat draw and Tony Aardvark dropped £30 on the bandit.
We missed the end of the live debate as we were outside having a cigarette, so if anyone could tell us the result we'd be most happy. We thought Alistair was going to pick number one but we didnt know where they were going on their blind date. Can't wait to see next week's to see if they got on alright.
Looking forward to visiting some of the areas of the constituency today - if you see our aardvark bus then please give us a wave - we'll be going up to Cowpen on the 441 then getting the 447 to South Beach and probably one of the 'X' buses back to party HQ later. Mrs Aardvark doesnt normally condone 'constituency meetings' on a Friday afternoon but with the election looming she understands that we need to be seen out and about. Bar at 4pm then.
2pm - the new vote aardvark song is complete - click!
[the rest of todays post has been removed - a lesson learnt here kids
Dont blog when you are drunk ....]
April 15th
There we were, banners in hand, crash helmets on and ready for THE most spectacular launch to a political party ever. We had planned this morning to sky dive from 15000 feet with the party members forming a huge free-fall aardvark shape above the constituancy. After the parachutes came out we were going to spell out our main manifesto aims using smoke canisters attached to our extremities.
Been looking forward to this for weeks and what happens? Its the bloody Icelandics again thats what. First the banks, then West Ham [chortle], then the airports. There's only about seventeen of them live on that island and they are doing their level best to ruin our economy. Oh, hang on, its been ruined by Labour already hasn't it ....
We tried to re-enact the skydiving routine using bicycle choreography in the car park near the speed camera at Seaton Sluice but the parachutes kept getting tangled in the spokes and then the bloke in the ice-cream van went totally bananas when we set all the smoke off. Apparently today is his biggest selling Mivvy day of the year and we ruined it.
We advised him to increase his product range but apparently the aardvark business guru tried to help him out last year and the new hot pastie oven melted the rest of his stock. .
Who'd have thought?
So - the campaign trail stutters but we will strive on ......
April 14th
Oh well, its almost time to launch the party to the waiting national press - although VIZ aren't interested we've had a snifter that People's Friend may be throwing their not inconsiderable weight behind the Aardvark cause - see the letter below which we have on the best authority appeared in a recent issue ....
"My grand-daughter often says the funniest things. Last week we were watching 'Kids Say The Funniest Things' and during the advertising break she asked her mummy if she could 'do a poo'. Well we laughed, she's never been the same since she got hooked on Mephodrone when she was 30" - Ethel A, Seaton Sluice
The campaign trail really gets going in earnest soon, and we thank you for your support and financial contributions. Well we would if we'd had either.
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