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Aardvark Aardvark Political Party
Below is our immediate response to the key points in the pre-budget announcement by Alistair Darling, 9th December 2009. As you can imagine, there are certain areas which we feel strongly about as they may impact our communities in ways that other areas are not affected.
Brace yourself Darling, we're coming in ........
Key points in black - Aardvark response in orange
TAX
All national insurance rates to rise by a further 0.5% from April 2011, raising £3bn a year
Thats a clever move, claiming correctly that income tax will not rise and taking money from a different part of the payslip - what next, holiday pay tax, Tax code tax??
VAT to return to 17.5% from 15% from 1 January 2010. No other changes to VAT
We don't get this announcement as its always been on the cards. Its like handing the same homework in twice. So the first two points have been two tax rises - looking good eh?
One-off 50% tax on bank bonuses of more than £25,000
I'm sorry, but what the fuck? So, before this announcement these employees who were bailed out by the banks would have paid 40% tax on this £25k bonus, netting them £15000 in their pay packet. Now they'll only get £12500 in their pay packet. £12500 of our fecking money. So we've raised £3bn from the working man, hiked the VAT back up and then took a tiny part of an undeserved massive bonus for a few hobnobs. Er, not wanting to piss on your fire Darling, but dont you think the same bonus will now just become £30000, so Sir Giles Bloody Wotsit still gets his £15000 in his pay packet? Or do we now expect the banks to self regulate? Yeah, they've got a great history in that department. Darling, even Blunkett isnt this short-sighted, maybe you should have borrowed his dog.
Stamp duty holiday on certain properties to end on 1 January 2010
And how does this benefit anyone in a council house? It doesnt, see. See what they are doing.
Bingo duty to be cut from 22% to 20%
Oh yeah? Sounds very like the Aardvark pastie tax reduction from the 2008 Manifesto. Not only is this a cheap attempt at winning votes from our type of people, Northerners, we realise we've probably spelt pastie incorrectly throughout the rest of the bloody website. Bingo duty. Unbelievable. It'll be Lambrini, Scratchcard and Microchips allowances next
ECONOMIC FORECASTS
Economy forecast to shrink 4.75% in 2009, worse than 3.5% forecast in April
Growth of 1%-1.5% expected in 2010 and 3.5% in 2011 and 2012
Hilarious - "its worse than we predicted but its going to get better, even though we were almost 50% out in the 2009 forecast. Look, it'll all sort itself out, look away, theres nothing to see here ..."
BORROWING
• 2009 forecast raised by £3bn to £178bn
Estimated borrowing of £176bn in 2010 and £140bn in 2011, falling to £96bn in 2013
Budget deficit to be halved by 2013
Estimated public loss from bank bailouts reduced from £50bn to £10bn
Cancel the LONDON Olympics - save 5bn for a start - then the forecast is better than it was and those cockney twats dont get the house price increase they were planning on getting. After the cancellation of the Olympics, we predict the rest will just fall into place. Its that simple. See we can do it as well Darling.
PAY, PENSIONS AND BENEFITS
Basic state pension will rise by 2.5% in April 2010
Belter - well done - a couple more quid to the pensioners every month when the Retail Price Index shows an increase of twice that. You're just not thinking Darling
Child and disability benefit to rise by 1.5% in 2010
Even further behind the RPI
All public sector pay settlements to be capped at 1% for two years from 2011
I thought they were planning on the recovery being well under way by 2011? Make your bloody mind up Darling.
ENVIRONMENT
£160m investment in low-carbon and renewable projects
This is not new investment, it is already planned and its next to nothing. Bear in mind that the bail out of the banks is suggested to have cost the equivalent of £40,000 PER HOUSEHOLD and you realise that £2.75 per household on low-carbon and renewable projects is just ridiculous. Renewable projects? What, like the ID cards Darling?
Boiler scrappage scheme for 125,000 households
This is singularly the most beneficial project to come from todays announcement and through our very basic and recent research, almost every man we interviewed in Blyth today said they would like to trade their old boiler in for a newer model. Five out of ten men said it was just the kick start they needed, three out of ten said they looked forward to feeling some newer, warmer pipes and one in twenty reckoned they would get rid of their old boiler regardless of the scheme. An overwhelming success, well done Darling. There'll be some redundant boilers in South East Northumberland, probably taking advantage of the 2% reduction in bingo tax.....
Electric cars to be exempt from company car tax for five years
Aaardvark are pleased to announce that they use an old Sinclair C5 and two electric cars, one which was procured from Longhirst Golf Club and the other was bought from Geared Up in Ashington, although we'll not say why we were attracted to the shop in the first place. We didnt know they only sold wheelchairs.
Tax rebate for installation of wind turbines and solar panels
We'll see the benefit of this soon, what with all the fans on the pier in Blyth. Ker-ching!
EMPLOYMENT
Under-24s to be guaranteed work or training after six months out of work
Fear not children, we will not enforce this if we are elected.
Training or education guarantee for 16 and 17-year-old to be extended to 2010
Whats this then? We used to call it school or college? Darling, you're not thinking straight....
BUSINESS
New 50p tax on landline phones to pay for superfast broadband
We think not Darling, although we are behind the idea of superfast broadband we do not understand why the government would want to take money for this, when the majority of investment has already been bourne by the private sector. It'll be good for films, downloads and the i-player, mind like. Its good thinking on the govt's behalf though, because everyone needs a bloody phone line to support their broadband - so the 30 million in Britain will equate to £15 million per year income. Watch this rise, it'll be like bloody fuel. It'll be a fiver before you know it. Stop playing with us Darling ...
New 10% tax on income from patents to boost science development
Thats a good one, stifle investment in inventors!
FAMILIES
Free school meals to an extra 500,000 low income families
Yes, all pasties and pies and pasties. No doughnuts. You have been warned ......
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